Mince for the Recently Retired: Talking pingers and cheesecake with Michael Crafter

By Luke Buckler
Unbelievably Bad Contributor

Michael Crafter

After eight of years, a reckless slew of sevens, splits, tapes and CD-Rs, the heirs to the Sydney’s syrup scene have released their first LP, and Australia finally has the ripping mincecore opus that it was crying out for.

Mince for the Recently Retired is officially released today, and to celebrate, UB met up with Dave Bate (guitars/vocals), Matheson Vaughn (vocals), and Bradley ‘Tex’ Cummins (bass) at a bourgeois pub in the inner west of Sydney for a couple beers. We had a chin wag about the record, cheesecake, and Michael Crafter (ex-Big Brother/businessman) – but we ended up mainly talking about snorting pingers, and in one instance, the intrafamilial shelving of pingers.

Have a listen to Music for the Recently Retired while you peruse this thought-provoking meeting of the minds.


Tell us about making the record.
Matt: We recorded it at Adversary Studios with Aaron Worboys, in a single session. Everything was recorded at the same time. That was in 2015. Then we took two years to record and mix the vocals in Melbourne. Me and Ben Rivers recorded them in my house. The reason it took so long is because we had to write the lyrics at the same time – we had no content for the songs. We’d recorded all the music and me and Rivs had to make the songs up.

So Rivers actually had a pretty big part in making the record?
Matt: Yeah. For some of the songs it was easy – like, this song’s about smoking bongs, or this one’s about railing ritalin, or whatever. There were some songs, the more progressive songs that we were like “what the fuck is this”!
Dave: Like Mouthbreather.
Matt: Yeah, like, the songs that aren’t ‘classic’ Crafter. So what I did was just Rivs the microphone, because he loves talking, and play the song, and he would just try to pretend to say something. And I would be like, “did you just say snorting pingers?” and he would say, “no, I said subdivisional…” and I’d say, “nah, nah, nah, you said snorting pingers. That’s the lyrics. Snorting pingers”. So I’d just take his mumbles and the way he phrased the song and made my own shit up over it.

Are you going to tour on this record, like overseas or anything?
Tex: A couple of scattered dates, we’re going to Tassie.

Have you played shows in Tassie before?
Dave: Yeah, in October 2012 the two-piece went down for five dates. It was fucking great, we played with King Parrot before they were massive, they were really cool guys to hang out with.
Matt: And Idylls.
Dave: With Lochlan Watt filling in on vocals. We played two Bastard Fests.
Matt: And Uncle Geezer. That’s when they were 17-year-olds and living in Tassie.
Dave: Yeah, we sorted them out on that tour. They were doing something between GG Allin and deathcore, pig squealin’ shit. After that they were like we’re going play powerviolence and grind now, we wanna do that.

Why don’t people do vegan bake sales at gigs any more?
Dave: We scared them off.
Matt: My own personal objection against eating chocolates and sweets and drinking at the same time. I’ll eat brownies and watch a movie, and I’ll drink beer and watch a band. It’s like wedding cakes, man. Wedding cakes are the dumbest thing ever. I hate them.
Dave: So are you just going to have a packet of chips at your wedding?
Tex: Yeah, what are you going to have?
Matt: A wedding cake. But yeah, at a wedding you’ve had cheese, food, a million beers, and then someone says, “here, have some cake”. It’s like, fuck no man, I want to snort some pingers and go to bed.

What are the best and worst elements of #420bennies weed culture?
Tex: The best elements of weed culture? Probably the novelty socks. They’re pretty good.
Matt: I just think it’s funny.
Dave: Anything that can convince Matt to write a song that says “I’m smoking a bong” three times is good by my standards.
Matt: I haven’t smoked a bong in the last ten years.
Dave: I’ve smoked a bong with you. In Tassie, 2012.
Matt: I paled out.
Dave: That’s how we party.

Speaking of how Michael Crafter party, when was the last time you railed and bailed?
Dave: Together? The lyrics are actually “I hate to rail and bail”.
Matt: I wrote it based on a behaviour trait that I developed over a period of time where I’d snort ritalin and then ditch Max (Marquis, Michael Crafter’s drummer).

Tell me the best footy fact you know.
Matt: The best footy fact? Jarrod Witts (Gold Coast Suns player), 6’10”.
Dave: That’s his cousin. Surely you’ve got some more dirt on your cousin than his height.
Matt: Yeah – in 2015 he was voted worst haircut in the entire AFL. According to Twitter.
Tex: I played football when I was kid, my brother still does. He makes a living off that. He plays for Melbourne Rebels, Rugby Union.
Matt: I didn’t know that!
Dave: Maybe they could help each other shelve pingers. That’s what the song’s about.
Matt: That song was actually based on the 1997 NRL Grand Final. Newcastle Knights, victorious.

Who are you talking about at the beginning of “Lo Fi or Die II”?
Dave: We were actually trying to figure this out…
Tex: I remember. It was Wounded Pig, that’s when Max is saying, “the band from Mount Gambier”, but that’s not in the sample. The one in the sample was one of Sam Hack’s bands.
Dave: GSR?
Tex: Yeah, from Geelong. We played Geelong that day, right?
Dave: Yeah, it must have been after playing Geelong, ’cos it was separate to the cheesecake night.

What’s the cheesecake night?
Dave: I brought back a random to Matt’s house, and he was some old cooked dude. I was on a pinger, and they either left me or I took too long. I was at the gig by myself, and I just needed someone to talk to. I was like, “you, come with me, we’re going to Matt’s house”. It was this old guy, he had a bunch of sausages and a cheesecake. He was using Matt’s microwave, microwaving sausages that had been sitting in his bag for ages. This old grind dude came out and offered all of Matt’s yuppie mates, who were on pingers, microwaved sausages. Everyone was just scratching their heads going, “who is this?” It was really funny. And then, after that, he had a cheesecake, of course. I still have no idea where that came from, hey.
Matt: From the bin.
Tex: Yep, from the bin.
Matt: That’s probably where the sausages came from as well, mate.
Dave: We smoked a bit of leaf with him, he had a big bag of leaf that barely worked.
Matt: And then he wouldn’t leave.
Dave: Yeah, he missed his train.
Matt: And he stayed at our house until like six in the morning. Yas (Matt’s fiance) said, “can you leave now?” and he was like, “OK! See ya!”

Anyway, what does a pinger dick look like?
Matt: A tic tac.

Have you had any feedback from Michael Crafter, the dude, on the record?
Tex: Yes, actually. He’s stoked on it, he loves the album artwork, especially the ‘As Seen On TV’ part. He said it sounded like it was recorded two toasters…
Dave: A toaster, a lesbian, and a goat or something.
Tex: I posted the cover art and link to the pre-order on my Facebook and he just started writing all this bullshit on it. It was good.

So he’s at peace with the band now?
Tex: Yeah, he’s fine. He did message me once and told me that as long as we don’t write songs about his daughter, he’s fine with it.
Dave: I just wanna say it’s really funny that he liked the art. The whole idea of the art is that he’s a has-been. He’s a zombie, and he’s retired. All he’s got to do is shoot cum out of toy guns.
Matt: Personally, I’m a bit peeved that he likes it now. I feel like we’re still making him relevant, and that’s why he likes us now, we’re still keeping him in the limelight.
Dave: Maybe we should change the band name to whatever his daughter’s name is.


Even if you love them or hate them:
Buy Mince for the Recently Retired now.


And if you’re in Sydney:
Get along to their launch show at Beat Disc.

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